I'm not some young Haley talking to Bruce Willis. I don't see ghosts in the traditional sense, but what I see has the same effect as seeing what isn't there. I day dream of things and see images that are not there, people that are not there, events that will never take place and am haunted by them. Haunted by things that may never be is an experience that does not scare me, but does leave an emptiness in me that stays with me and lingers. Perhaps it is my heart that is witnessing the ghosts. Who knows, but if there was an exorcism to remove the entities that plague my soul, I'd gladly pay to have it done.

I tire of feeling this way. Eternal hope mixed with reality has a bitter taste that burns a hole in my stomach and blinds me with its poison. Biologically speaking, is there a purpose for loving someone? When it doesn't get returned in the way we want, is there a reason?

There is no reason for this rambling, other than just wanting to get it out of my head. I should stick to art

I'm still doing my photography, but I will be honest, I am in a rut. The latest photos I feel like I could have done better. I'm not pushing myself, the studio I rent changed in a way that uninspires me now. I have ideas, but they are not surfacing from the pool of my mind. I see them under the surface, but they are not solid enough for me to see fully. Again, spirits that are seen through the corners of my mind's eye.

I am in between jobs right now, my previous life a fading memory. For some reason, this does not scare me. I see a lot of opportunity out there so I know I can find something. I saved up a bunch of money so I have time. I wish I took a different path in life sometimes. Hell don't we all? I'm haunted by a past that doesn't exist, a future that will never happen, and a present that seems to be stale and uninspiring.

My salvation is my friendships. They are more optimistic than I am about me, which is odd, but I cherish them and thank them for the strength they bring me. I feel I must be strong and positive for them. If I had no friends, I'd just fade into the mist and wait for the tides of time to carry me off, but for them I carry on. Either they will prove me wrong or I will prove them wrong. Of course I hope for the former.

I got 4 books on film-making in the mail today. I am excited. I did a demo reel for a dance group that was a lot of fun and I want to do more. I have some secret projects that I have been working on and can't wait to present. I even have an idea for some movies that I'd like to write out. I hate feeling lazy though because I may waste this time off and not take advantage of it. Anyway, if you want to see my first attempt at video creation, check out the video page of [link]. I built the site, took the photos and filmed the video for them all at the same time. Yeah I'm nuts, but the owner ( my make up artist ) Marguerite paid me, and no one really ever pays me, so I worked my ass off for her. She is the nicest person I know and has soo much talent that I'd love to see her succeed.

Ok well another great installment of Mr. Joy Hey if I were happy all the time, would I be able to create art? Happy people do hearts and use pastel colors and crap. Thats no fun. Sheesh.